Speras
by axabat
Summary: Short Elricest-y fic in three parts. You're the one always there to witness and sympathize.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Speras.

Warnings: elricest, angst.

Disclaimer: fma isn't mine, sadly.

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You're the one who knows.

You're the one who sees.

You're the one always there to witness and sympathize -but sympathizing isn't understanding, and understanding isn't feeling- and you take great pleasure in that (yes, Alphonse Elric, smug, who'd have thought? but you can't lie to yourself).

You're the one he opens up to -oh, so faintly, so modestly-, though only on rare occasion, but that doesn't matter (it seems that you _can_ lie to yourself after all), not really, since you're also the only one who knows him good enough (you think) to be able to see the meanings behind all the small moves -tugging at his hair- and stances -huddling his shoulders-, the facial expressions -wrinkles his nose this way when annoyed and that way when embarrassed-, the brash words.

(Read his eyes, immeasurable pools of struggling emotions.)

Yet these days, you cannot tell -aren't sure- whether he's going ahead ever strong, or broken beyond repair.

Perhaps (that's what you think sometimes, when Darkness and Cold Lonely Night stand between you and his sleeping face, and Hope is a ghost less consistent even than the hint of sun in his hair) he is nothing but a dysfunctional machine -conditioned by himself only, that's the irony- whose cogs and gearwheels will jam and get stuck and crack when the purpose of his being -the one he _gave_ to his being- is completed.

Maybe he'll be shattered in so many pieces there'll be no way to fix him back.

You hope, though, -yes, you remember Hope, clearly, vividly, once the sun rises and casts a breathtaking light on his haireyesfacebody (if only you had breath to hold)- you hope that he'll realize when -if? no. when. can't let those doubts show at daylight- the time comes to be whole again, that you need him then -oh! how you need and want to need- more than ever, whole but brittle, human at last.

You hope his strength is infinite and won't be drained out at the end (in which case it would really be the very end, for you as well), because you hope more than anything -more than you can feel- that the end will be a beginning; the beginning maybe of that life you dream of some nights, awake and lonely when he sleeps with you but not -but you know, he makes sounds and gasps your name-, and you depend on him yet again, for that sweetest life you dream of -it's almost as if you were _really_ dreaming- is possible (and possible is a significant word indeed) only if he has enough strength left in him to love you, love you unconditionally, like you worship him.

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AN: comments and criticism are highly appreciated!!


	2. Animo et corpore

**Animo et corpore.**

By axbatwilo.

Warning : elricest.

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You find yourself bound to flesh once more.

The smells, feeling steady ground under your feet and clothes against your skin tie you to the world.

The tears, the sensations of hunger, sleepiness, tiredness and basically all the emotions-hormones-sensations running through your body tie you to yourself.

Being sad is feeling sad; being happy is smiling when you can't help it and a warm - loved - feeling in your stomach.

It seems that your thoughts are less jumbled; your mind is linked to the physical working of your brain, which grounds you to a more linear way of thinking, more consistent at the very least.

You still jump from thought to thought, think and feel various - and even opposite - things at the same time, sometimes spend long moments not really thinking at all.

Your mind still goes round in circles.

Your mind keeps bringing you to the same thing.

Niisan.

Your brother, your everything, he smiles a lot these days.

He smiles all the time, so brightly, sharp teeth, white and blinding.

He's like a fire, his smile burns every part of your consciousness, but he didn't burn himself up like you

feared.

Sometimes you wish that he would burn _you_ up.

You know what he thinks about from time to time, watching you, when you smile when you eat when you feel when you sleep.

He will never tell you, but you know.

So you make the first move, one day, when he's staring at you again.

This time, you don't let him turn away, mumbling an embarrassed "nothing", the sweetest lie.

This time, you take his hand, and as he looks up, surprised, you kiss him.

It's soft and warm and tastes like strawberry.

You slide in your tongue, so that he'll know for sure what you mean.

He knows then, and understands, and holds you like you're his last tie to the world.


	3. Lumen spirabile

**Lumen spirabile. **The day that we breathe.

By axbatwilo.

warning : elricest, sex.

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You feel, these days, not only things you had forgotten but also things - wondrous things - you'd never known the existence of.

You feel, when your brother looks at you with such tenderness and care, you feel so _loved._

It makes your breath falter and your eyes shine; you know, he told you.

And when he touches you, feather-light, its' different; your breath doesn't falter but it certainly hitches, as a shiver runs down your spine.

He presses a bit harder then, slick mouth everywhere and you never seem able to keep track; your thoughts get jumbled again, and you can't tell for sure what is up and what is down.

Pleasure, you remembered, but not as overwhelming, all-encompassing, inescapable, from top to toe, through flesh and bone.

It is though, and still Edward gets more passionate and gentle altogether, and it stings a little but not badly; you wouldn't complain anyway.

Then it's bliss all over, mindless, and hot - oh god so hot, so good - and you want it to last forever but know it's impossible to keep this up too long, excruciating as it is.

You're almost afraid you're soul will disconnect from your body and never come back.

You hear him, he breathes hard and makes noises you used to dream of, and you think you make noises too but you don't even know for sure if you're still breathing.

There are sparkles and stars and ecstasy and nothingness, and moments later it leaves you motionless, and you realize then that your breath is erratic and your heart is galloping and your skin is tingling all over.

It calms down though, and your brother, still weighing on you, rolls over to your side.

You stay a moment like this, silent, - peaceful - until he snatches your breath away again with the single sweetest goodnight kiss.


End file.
